Diamonds are supposed to be a girl’s best friend but for me, it is more like a dark omen. All three of my ex-boyfriends gave me jewellery as their first gifts. It was all sweet at first and of course, I enjoy the little sparkle that jewellery can add to your outfit and those boys have a great taste in jewellery. It is only when the jewellery starts to break, rust or gets lost that signifies a symbol from God or something of high universal power that this relationship is about to come to an end. For instance, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I chose to give back the gold bracelet he gave me as a” token of his love” (more on this in another post). He wasn’t offended I gave it back and many people were questioning why I didn’t just sell it on eBay but it was my decision so I handed it back to him. We were on and off flirting with each other and one day he was high or drunk and he mentioned how he wished I still had the bracelet. I said I didn’t want it and asked if he still had it. And surprise surprise (not), he didn’t know where it was…an expensive bracelet that was supposed to be a token of his love is forever lost- a bit like any feeling I may still have for him lol.
Then, my second boyfriend gave me a lovely necklace that was made of stretchy string, had beads threaded through it and had a moulded glass centrepiece in the shape of a heart (how romantic). I wore it every day and had it on my bedside table as I sleep at night. It lasted for 9 months and then the heart one day just broke in half (which was so ironic come to think of it). A couple of days later he broke up with me and I just knew it was some sort of sign. My third ex is a little different as I was the one who ended it with him but the necklace and earring combo (again very beautiful, expensive and often worn) had started to rust and there was a knot in the chain. Another sign that it wasn’t meant to be.
So, the lesson of the story is this: to my future boyfriend, wherever you are, whenever you will pop up in my life, please read this as a cautionary warning that jewellery leads to a break-up so don’t give me any jewellery as your first gift. (although know I do not have anything against jewellery being a second gift or a third gift etc…).
Lately, I have been feeling undervalued and overwhelmed with everything that is going on. I don’t feel right and my heart feels broken. I always try to smile it out and remember that it will get better soon. But then soon turns to someday and someday turns to one day and then that one day just seems so far away. My shoulders feels heavy like I have a lot on my plate but I had just one week of vacation so that doesn’t make sense. My mind was so clear and trouble free during the one week break but now I just don’t feel happy. I feel sad and angry and almost pessimistic about everything. I don’t want to say I’m depressed but my anxiety just feels like it’s taking over every part of me and as much as I want them to go away- they don’t. I can’t even pin-point what’s making me feel this way. I think that’s the worse part. I don’t know what it is and it’s making me even more anxious.
I wish I know what is making me feel this way. I wish I can figure it out because I feel I could just cave in any minute now.
I don’t know what it is, maybe a lack of sleep
Too much going on and been falling so deep
Tired all the time yet I’ve sat still
For such a long time, waiting until
Something happens or I need to be free
From the dozen of thoughts nagging at me
The meaning of life and questions of love
Praying for answers from the man up above
They say: Keep going and you will find
All the things you have left behind
Never turn around and look to the past
Wondering if things would ever last
Follow the rules they are there to be followed
Open your heart even though it’s been hollowed
Mistakes are for people looking to succeed
Perfection is how you’ll get the deed
To your hard work and all the labour
No more asking strangers for a favour
Too bad it isn’t all too easy
When all the weight makes you feel queasy
The weight in your heart and in your head
How you’ll just grow old and tired instead
Cannot shift the weight, it is here to stay
Day and night, no matter no much you pray
You pretend that everything is okay
So they don’t have to leave or go away
If they asked you: “What do you regret?”
You’d tell them of the memories that you’d never forget
Like that sweet kiss in the rain
Your broken heart and the severe pain
The time you texted but they never replied
The times you locked the door and cried
You thought it would somehow just disappear and fade
Hoping it will erase the memories that are already made
Sometimes you try to rid of it all, then you see his face
You remember his kiss, his smile and that warm embrace
The days he didn’t want to let you go
You were going too fast but time is so slow
The rush and risks faded away
One day, will someone ever stay?
Days when you were sad and they were right there
Times when they ask you if you’re okay like they care
But then the day came when memories started to fade
When suddenly something decided to be made
Both of them decided to come and state their love is true
You thought about it but do you really love them too?
You have to be polite, say “No”, just agree to be friends with them
To be their secret jewel and the precious one-of-a-kind gem
You took the risks that could get you in trouble
You took the blames, bruises, wounds and stumbles
You did everything because you wanted them in your life
But now you have to choose before the drop of a knife
Up until this day you still cannot decide
You can’t run and you could never hide
They are so far away that you have to travel
Crossing roads, building walls and kicking gravel
Are you willing to be hurt like before?
Can friends now be later something more?
If they saw you standing across the street
Would they avoid you or invite you to meet?
Are they feeling what is true or is it just pretend?
Do they want something more than just being friends?
Right now you do not know how to feel
These feelings you are trying to conceal
But one day you might find out who is true and who is not
End of conversation: “What were we talking about cause I forgot”
I just finish, but they want me to start
We prayed to God for the desires of our heart
If they can’t see it, I hope God will
Then maybe I can just keep still
Stop the commotion and sit
Even just for a little bit
Maybe I keep it inside
So I can have time to hide
Little secrets and problems the world is waiting to see
Or maybe I don’t want to humiliate and embarrass me
They said ‘ You are still a kid’
But somehow it feels like a bid
Who can grow up the most?
So they have something to boast?
Growing up makes them proud
To watch children make a bigger bound
There are still decisions that I need to make
To avoid disappointment and mistake
Why now that they shout?
When I haven’t figured things out?
Why now they compare?
When I haven’t even gotten there…
I was naughty, I got detention
I was so sad, I went into depression
I am now broke, its the recession
I’m so stressed, give me your attention
I’m completely lost, give me direction
I’m at the bottom, no motivation
I need a home, no accommodation
The world is filled with discrimination
Violence and racism in every nation
Tell me how we got into this situation?
Maybe we should blame evolution
Better yet, let’s blame natural selection
But people, we destroyed God’s creation
We should welcome the flood
Let’s all drink Christ’s blood
Let volcanoes erupt and earth quake
Let’s do good for goodness sake
God placed humans to look after and stay
Pray have faith and keep loving…
For its nearly Judgement Day!
Realise is about the destruction of the world. I wrote this poem towards the end of high school because I just found the world to be filled with conflict and fighting and violence and inequality. I thought that writing this poem would make a difference and change the world in some way. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. I am saddened that conflict and inequality still exist now and people are still afraid to change their mindset or be open to other’s views of the world. This poem was written 5 years ago and nothing seems to have changed.