The Three Years Ends

After three years of stress and a lot of headaches, my time at university is done. I do not have to do any more lectures. No more participating or not participating in seminars. No more early, afternoon or really dark rides on the bus. No more pressing the button for the automatic doors so I can go in or out of uni. No more tapping in at every lesson. No more getting bombarded by people wanting me to do surveys or giving out leaflets that I will throw in the bin anyway. No more university.

I finished my last day yesterday with a quick review session for one of my modules. It only lasted 30 minutes which seemed pointless but at least I could stretch my legs a bit and walk around university for the last time. I’m going, to be honest, there really isn’t much to miss at university. I know that for some people university is the time to go down pubs or go clubbing to socialize. University is the place where you will find out who you are and what you want in life. By going to university, you will become more independent because you are away from your parents. University will be that place you will miss when it all ends. But all those things were never true for me. I prefer to stay at home watching cartoons and binge-watch my shows than going drinking out and living the club life. I lived with my parents for the three years whilst I was university and as far as I can tell it made me independent in ways I didn’t think it could. I did house chores (except cooking but I promise I’ll learn after my essays, Mum and Dad) and my parents also let me budget my student finances and I was even able to help a bit with a few things needed for the house. Staying at home also made me value family more which I did not value as much when I was still a teenager. I know a lot of people were telling me that I shouldn’t stay at home because it will ruin my time at university but if I did,  I believe I would have regretted it, especially with my little sister. Looking after her has been the best time to come out of the university experience and the reason I loved coming back home to my family. My family has been a big support system for me and even though we have fought and shouted at each other several times these three years, we have also made more funny and loving memories that I will cherish forever.

My experience at university was pretty good but I don’t think I will miss it as much as others make it out to be. I will probably miss the friends I’ve made and the some of the teachers which have impacted my life in terms of improving me as a person or helping me gain skills which I can use more in life but the experience…not so much. It was filled with stress, I cried a lot, threw a few things, dug my nails into stuff, swore and raised my middle finger at those elements that tried to rain on my semi-constructed parade. I didn’t really join any societies or made an impact there but I was able to do the one thing which I came to do when I told myself that university is the way. I was able to stick it through to the end and make my family and friends proud that soon I will be done with all the essays (just one more to do) and the three years of university will officially come to an end.

As for university helping me find who I am and what I want to do in life… I’ll keep you posted on that one when I know for sure. Now it’s time to finish the last ever university essay and once that’s all submitted I need to go searching for the next adventure to explore. So for now, thank you university friends and (some) teachers, it’s been fun knowing you and make sure you keep in touch.

See you at Graduation. 🎓



Online Representation

Hey, Online World this is me.
Who I am do you really have to you see?
I would stare down this lens and just talk
Well, why don’t we go for an imaginary walk?
The place that the camera will never see
A place known as my investigation territory
You want to know what goes
You see people can put on a front and play a role
I do it all the sometimes to gain control *
I can be that girl who smiles at the camera and acts all happy
Laugh and smile even though I’m grumpy
Even though I’m sad I just shrug and say ok
So they’d think I’m totes fine and they will just go away!
I’d shut the world out and go to the person I wanna be

That girl who is almost perfection, crafted to the tee
She’d have a stunning and made up face
Looking beautiful and elegant, full of grace
I would be a star in the world’s eyes
A boys dream girl, the winning prize

Or that smart girl who knows every answer
She can balance her studies and being a hard worker
She is always on top, she gets the first place trophy
She’s also an animal lover, charity volunteer and very holy

Or I could be the Harry Potter fanatic, a total obsession
Every Harry Potter merchandise in my possession
I’d end up married to Rupert Grint and have a cat called Otter
Maybe I’ll even get a tattoo on my back of Harry Potter

Or I could be that mean girl, scrolling and judging
You want me gone well darling I’m not budging.
Let me tell you what is wrong with you and your face
You are so ugly, you’re mother thinks you’re a disgrace
Girl, no one likes you, haven’t you noticed everyone tweeting
Btw just to let you know that your so-called bf is cheating

So you see I can be anyone. I wanna be behind the screen
Flicking through, deleting and editing footage that will never be seen
Backstage I rule the world cause no will know it’s me
Secrets, fears, emotion are locked with a key
But if you really want to know about the girl on the other side
She’s ready to show people who she is…. Nowhere else to hide

She’s the girl who smiles and laughs for no apart reason
She looks exactly the same every single day of every season
She should really focus on her education and getting a job
But she can’t find the time right now and sometimes a lazy flop
She’s never said a mean thing about anyone, online or for real
Well apart from time to time when she wants to express how she feels
So there you go, comment, subscribe and check out the description
I’m going to sleep now, that was my online self-representation

There are a lot of things you’d know from a person if you give them a chance
You don’t have to tell them to go edit themselves and turn up the ‘enhance’
Maybe if we stopped investigating a person from what we see on the screen
Anyway who would listen to a girl who looks at a twisted reflection?
People are so bent these days do they know their self-representation?

Concluding My Dissertation

Yesterday I finished the redraft of my dissertation and rewritten the conclusion. I’m going, to be honest, I was kind of pushing it away from me and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. When I did finally get the courage to open the word document and read it, I was appalled at how terrible it was. I have written a lot of essays since I was 12 and by now I knew when something was slightly off. I mean, I knew I did rush it a bit so my dissertation supervisor can mark it and so it wasn’t my best work but I didn’t think it would be so awful. I then spent two days procrastinating and looking at it like it was a piece of turd that’s been left to dry where I hoped the rain would just wash it away but of course, in the end, I needed to scrape it off the concrete anyways. I spent yesterday re-doing the whole conclusion until I was satisfied that it was the best I can do. 

Once I have written the last words of my conclusion and combined it to the other sections of my dissertation, I felt so relieved. I finally finished everything and it felt so good to know that all I have to is just re-read it, add the contents page and the abstract and fix some citation issues. But at the same time, a part of me felt attached and nostalgic. As much as I said to myself that I hated this dissertation, in truth I really loved writing about it. I was writing about something that interested me and about a show (OUAT) that I absolutely love.  I got the chance to explore various aspects of my chosen topic and as an added bonus, I got to read a lot of general and very explicit fanfictions (which I already did in my spare time anyways haha). But once it sunk in that I was writing the very last words, I felt like crying. I have been working on this since September last year (or June, if you count the research phase) and at the beginning I was shaking my head and telling myself there is no way on earth I could write 10,000 words by April, But here we are, nearly finished and feeling sad that’s its over. 

I don’t really know why I feel so sad about something that I couldn’t wait to get rid off even at the very start. But I guess, I have bonded with it, I gave it some words on the page and took it into several directions, redrafted it so many times and stared at it for a few hours, hoping it would write itself. Now, it is all written and with only a few more bits to add, it will be ready to travel through the World Wide Web on its own at the end of the month and I won’t get to see how it turns out until the end of May or the beginning of June. 

Concluding my dissertation feels like concluding the end of my university life and in a way just like how my dissertation must go off and be assessed, I will have to leave university and do some self-assessment of my own in terms of what I want to do next. Even though both cases can be very scary, it is also very exciting as I discover my next undiscovered adventures. 

Now I must go do my other essays and then finalize my dissertation towards the end of the month before I say good luck and goodbye to my dissertation. (hopefully, it will come back safe and sound). 

These Essays are Giving Me Pimples

My essays are giving me pimples. I have been sitting on my butt in the dining room for nearly 5 hours and I have only written 700 words. I literally have a pimple on my forehead and a tiny pimple and a huge pimple on my chin. I really think its all the stress and the worries I am going through that has caused multiple pimples to appear on my face. It’s a good thing I am not leaving the house until I have to go back to uni for my last two days lol. 

Still, have to write 6272 words and I just found another pimple on my finger knuckle. YAY Stressful Times. 

Panel Debate Outcome

The other day I finished doing the panel debate and I was so nervous. We practised three times and we felt pretty ready as we could ever be. We even got to class early to try and put podiums at the front using a square table and chairs so we could hold onto something once we were up there. We were third on the list and having watched two groups go before us made me even more nervous and scared. I thought I was going to throw up. I even brought my inhaler just in case I couldn’t breathe and started hyperventilating. When we were called up, I was so scared and took a couple of breaths. I thought I was gonna mess up and just fumble all the words and we looked at each other and then it began. Now or never.

When it was over, I didn’t even realize that time was up and we actually did the panel debate. I was sort of in my own mind and had an out of body experience where I was thinking words in my head but my mouth is already moving and I couldn’t stop it. I missed a couple of words here and there for the actual debate but my mouth just kept on saying the things I can remember in my head. We didn’t even get to finish the whole debate but I’m glad we got it done! We just now have to wait for our results once everything else is done.

Shoutout to my panel buddy, Holly. We got it done and now we just have to do the essays. Gonna be missing hanging out with you in Ian’s room every Fridays haha.

Panel Discussion Problems

For one of my modules (Media and Philosophy), we have to get into a group of 4 people and argue a topic with 2 people on the ‘For’ side and 2 people on the ‘Against’ side. Each will have 5 minutes to state their proposition with an additional 10 minute for an open debate. This debate is scheduled on Weeks 9 and 10 (which is in the next two weeks) and in the past few weeks we have made a plan on how things were gonna go but now we have several problems.

First, there are only two of us in my group. There were not enough people in the class and I am not letting my panel partner/buddy and I be separated. We had already picked a topic ‘There is no more Media as we know it’ and we already established who is for and who is against. We both tried to read the required reading that is related to that topic but in my opinion, I didn’t think it related that much in terms of media and catered more on art. We decided there and then that we would not mention anything theoretical, especially if it does not match with what we are gonna talk about or if we are not entirely sure how we will do it. My panel partner and I were all set to go off and do our own arguments and then meet up and come together. In fact, just yesterday we were already practising our debate in a spare classroom. We are so ready and with a few practices and doing the flashcards, everything was going to plan.

But then some plans will hit a snag once in a while and with only a week left I wish we had these problems earlier than now. We have been told that everyone is going to have to follow the assessment rules for 5 minutes and then an open debate as well as having the theoretical aspect of backed up case studies. I feel like we should have been made aware of the rules and guidelines of this assessment weeks ago instead of springing it on us a week before we have to do this. I am so annoyed and angry that all these things that we have been planning for 4 weeks now is gonna be changed so much and is basically gonna be…crap!

That being said, I am not gonna stand for this panel debate to be crap especially when we have figured it out weeks ago. I do not like my plans to go wrong and I am praying that we can find a loophole or change some minor aspect of what we have planned already instead of changing the whole thing. After all, there are only two of us so it would be better to do a back and forth open debate instead of the 5-minute thing then a debate. The theory related to our topic is discussing the medium of art NOT media. This has made me feel so stressed right now!

Breathe and Think!